Image by Davidlohr Bueso
As children we all have the need to be accepted in whatever way we show up in the world. Our inner child is a part of our subconscious mind that remembers both positive and negative memories from childhood. For example, I vividly remember my grandma covering me with a blanket when I would fall asleep on her couch. I also remember pretending to be sick to stay home from school excessively during elementary school. Both events contain valuable information on how I formed and developed as an adult.
We all have the need to feel connected, safe, loved, the ability to make our own choices, curiosity, and learn from our mistakes in order to grow from them. When these needs aren't met, we develop characteristics, beliefs, and feelings that suppress our authentic self in order to be accepted.
According to Dr. Nicole LePera there are 7 inner child Archetypes:
Caretaker- This is someone who puts other people's needs before their own in order to feel worthy.
Overachiever- This is someone who gets validation from success and achievement, but actually has low self worth. They believe they can only receive love through performance.
Underachiever- This is someone who keeps themselves small, doesn't do anything to attract attention, doesn't take risks. They fear being criticized for their failure.
Rescuer/Protector- This is someone who believes others are incapable of solving problems on their own. They get their love and self worth from being able to "rescue" people from their challenges.
Life of the Party- This is someone who does not show any hurt, pain, or vulnerability. They believe that if they present to the world as happy, positive and a good time, then they will feel worthy of love.
Yes Person- This is someone who puts everyone's needs before their own and says yes to every request from others. It is similar to the caretaker and believes that they can only receive love if they sacrifice their own needs for others.
Hero Worshipper- This is someone who seeks guidance from someone who is perceived as "superhuman." Sometimes this could be a parent while in childhood and they see this person as having no flaws or faults so they try to become that as well. They will reject their own needs, desires and intuition in order to become someone else.
If you can relate to one of these inner child archetypes, that is valuable information on how you can begin your healing journey. The underlying childhood wounds created these personality types. Whether it came from your mom who chose "keeping the peace" over stating how she feels. Or it came from your dad who exploded after keeping so much tension and anger inside of his body. Now these are only two examples, however the wounds/trauma that we have faced as children can be as small or as big as it felt to us.
The journey of reparenting your inner child begins first with awareness. In moments where you notice yourself getting really angry, sad, or hurt take this as information on how to heal your past. Also notice what you do to cope in situations when you become emotionally reactive. Do you go for a walk? Or do you go to your vice of choice (alcohol, food, tv, etc). It is important to notice whether or not you process the feelings or push them deep inside. When you begin to see what your inner child craves you begin to have new conversations with yourself. Tell yourself, "I am enough, my worth doesn't depend on others, I give my body what it needs to feel safe." Whatever the underlying wound is, you begin to heal it as an adult and "reparent" yourself.
According to Dr. Nicole LePera, there are four pillars of reparenting. They include loving discipline, self-care, joy and emotional regulation. Loving discipline includes the healthy habits that you put into place for yourself. This is done through establishing your non-negotiables. These are habits and routines that help you feel your best. They include communicating your needs, healthy eating, managing screen time, keeping promises to yourself and maintaining boundaries. All of these are essential for creating a healthy balance of love and structure for yourself. Self-care is how you connect within your mind, body and soul. It includes nourishing yourself with sunlight, daily movement, meditating, journaling and talking to loved ones. The third pillar of joy is often overlooked in adulthood. It is the ability to truly connect with your inner child through play, creativity, curiosity and laughter. It includes dancing, trying something new, talking to someone new, reconnecting with childhood activities that used to bring you joy. Finally, the fourth pillar is emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is the ability to identify, assess and understand one's feelings. It is having self awareness to know when your body needs a break or when you need an extra push. It includes awareness over your nervous system and an understanding of how to bring your feelings to a calm state.
Take time to reflect on each pillar and ask yourself what things are you doing well and what areas do you need to give more attention to. This is not to disregard the parenting you did receive, but to give yourself what you know you need. It is simply a way for you to become in-tune with what your wants and needs are. Meet yourself with curiosity, compassion and grace. We are all whole exactly as we are.